Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I guess it's been a while since I wrote anything. Life changed pretty quick when Tomas came home from his mission on a medical release. We finally have a diagnosis. At first I was a bit skeptical, but as I've researched it more I think it's very correct. He has a Schizoid (skee'zoid) Personality Disorder. I'm not saying this to blab it to the world, but to yell to the world "So that's what I have!" I was so much like him and have struggled with much of the same things. Now I understand my depression. Now I understand my lonlieness. Now I understand my social weaknesses. Now I understand why I don't like to talk. The wonderful thing is that I've seen the Lord's hand in walking me through life and helping me cope, adjust and learn. For some reason I new that what I struggled with was rooted in the emotional abuse of my childhood. Like Tomas, the human soul can only take so much before it shuts down and even though you can outwardly look and act like all is well, there is an emptiness that never goes away. You lose the ability to form a deep bond with people. Now I understand why it is so hard for me to be a good friend. Even to the people that I really love and care about, I'm often aloof. Inwardly I long for that close connection, but the very thought causes anxiety. This is a difficult thing to have in a church that is very social! The Lord kept telling me to just practice. I've come a long way over the years. I use to not even be able to call people on the phone. Crumb, I went from that to Relief Society President. Big change! I still really like being in the nursery where I just do my own thing. Perhaps now that I know what's going on I can get some help too. I'm just so glad that Tomas is going to get help while he's still young.